Hanging In There

School is officially overwhelming. I hate it, and I cannot wait until the third Sunday in May to get the hell out of here! OK- let me rephrase that. School is officially overwhelming. I despise stressing over classes I have no interest for, and that have no relevance to the field I am pushing to pursue. Much better! My Bio professor whom I will refer to as Ms. Mean is unbelievably difficult and has no consideration for 70% of the class that have no clue as to half of the material she teaches. Its not even the work that bothers me, because I understand that we are required to attend class, participate and do all assignments. The problem is Ms. Mean is notoriously mean. After a student asked what our first exam would cover, her answer almost sent the majority of the class into an uproar. She explained that it was our responsibility to figure out what would be on the exam and our responsibility to do well. Now we have covered almost 4 to 5 chapters and there is so much material from both notes and text- I guess my weekend will consist of reading 5 chapters of BS.

Okay- I know I am quite late with this, but I figured I write about it anyway. On valentines day I woke up expecting to stay home all day just to avoid the lovebirds that would swarm all of NYC and Jersey. I sat in bed reminiscing about my past Valentines day experience and how special the day was for all those in love. Everything about it. For me it was knowing someone who loved me was on his way to take me out, to spend quality time with me, to treat me extra special and to attempt to build on the day of love. I didn't really care about the gifts-even thought they were expected, and I did treasure each and every one of them, even the ones I ate. I though back to what I(we) did last year and began to yearned for it. I am sure I looked miserable, because my younger sister barged into my room, asked me if I was okay, and gently walked out again. I had been crying. I couldn't help it. I had managed to not cry for good while, not thinking about him, but the mention of love just turned my stomach. As I sat in bed reminiscing about my past valentines day experiences, I sadly realized that I had become bitter. I mean, in the past I've seen my single friends cringe at the site of roses and hearts, but I never really cared about the day- even when I was single. Now I feel bitter and hurt and wished for the day to be over. Ironically everyone wanted to call me to see if I was okay, but that only pissed me off. I ignored all my calls that day, and went to spend the weekend with my cousins.

While at my cousins house, I was disturbed by how ungrateful my youngest cousin was. Her date, a young usher from church, had been the perfect gentleman and she was complaining about how he took her to an Italian restaurant, and bought her roses instead of chocolate. Now after hearing her complain about his flaws and how much she really had no interest in him, I asked my self this. Why is it that when a good female is looking for someone to get serious with, all the good guys are taken- primarily by girls who could care less about the most important things in life such as liking the person for who they are? The good females are always stuck having to suffer at the hands of men who attempt to play the role for however long they can and then vanish as though they were never there. What I am trying to say is- as faithful, honest and loving as I am, I couldn't hold on to someone I really loved, someone I thought was the right man- the good man, yet here this girl is with a true gentlemen in front of her and she is taking him for granted as well as leading him on. I am sorry, This makes me all the more bitter.

Someday is what I keep saying. But for now. I need to focus on me. I must admit, I miss the company, the outings, the laughter, I miss cooking for him, taking him his lunch on the weekends and taking the time to do the little things that really mattered in our relationship, but I think I can wait for it now. Some days when I'm by myself I dial his number and hang up before it rings. I think I only do it to keep his number in my mind, even though I desperately want to delete it from my memory. I try not to pray for him at times but end up doing so, but then feel stupid after, because I convince myself that he has forgot me. It seems like it. Moving on is tough, but with school, my internship and trying to get into different programs and begin my future I will be okay.


Just Hanging in there.
Growth Of Heart<3