What is change? I realized that change is inevitable, and it can happen at anytime- last December change smacked me dead in the face. And as much as I wanted to fight it I just couldn't. I got out of the most serious relationship I have ever been in- this was change. I needed to come to the realization that this person was not the individual I was meant to be with- this was change. I changed my surroundings, and I needed to learn how to be alone again- this was change. All of these changes forced me to reevaluate myself and I realized that it was time for me to focus on me- and pursue my future career.
Now I know you all think I am really young, and probably thinking- this girl has seen nothing yet. But, to me, what I went through was bigger then big. I hate to admit this but I was in love. Trust me it wasn't puppy love. I never thought I could feel this way about someone other then my family. He was my best friend, my confidant, and the love of my 21 years of living. Its weird- If you know me personally- you know I don't talk like this. I use to be the girl that refused to open herself up to anyone. I use to hate expressing my emotions because I feared being vulnerable. And now look at me, I fell head over heals and landed flat on my face. "I should have known it was too good to be true" I say. Everything was almost too perfect- how could I have not seen it coming? I was ready to settle with a guy I had only know for a little over a year- How naive could I be. I was so stupid to compare our relationship with what my parents have- how dare I.
Now I know what you are thinking- This girl is crazy-but to be honest, I don't think I can look at another guy again. I mean, I don't get how someone can profess their love for another just to end it all over something that isn't justifiable.(situation is far too complex for me to go into detail online). Anyway back to change. I changed the way I used my free time, I changed my hair, my bed sheets(not trying to say I never changed that) I changed everything that reminded me of him music, food, everything. I love ice-skating in the winter, and since we broke up I can’t see myself skating again. (Not like I have anyone to go with) Moving on- change is something that can be either good or bad. While so many different things have sprung out from this breakup, most of the changes I have made are actually good. I spend my free time at Barnes and Noble, reading which I stopped doing. I began to write again. because I realized that my writing was not as good as it use to be, I began going to church more often and came to the ultimate realization. God is the only love of my life. Not any man, not my mom, dad, siblings, friends--No one will ever love me as much as God does, and when I realized this my heart caved with sadness. Why? Because all this time I was so focused on myself and my boyfriend and family and friends that I failed to acknowledge the power behind my life. When I think about all the times I didn’t get into an accident, or get hit by a bus or taxi, I realize that God has really protected me and blessed e with many things. Some people don’t even live to see their twenty-first b-days, and here I am living my life without God- but now that’s all changed. My parents are devout Christians and I now understand my mother when she says she can smell the Lords presence around her- how beautiful is that. Shoot, I want to smell Gods presence around me, how does it smell?
Okay, albeit I say that I am healing- the staggering process is rather annoying. I miss having company, getting all dressed up to impress him, putting makeup on even though he says I don’t need it, and waking up expecting a phone call. I miss it all. I don’t have many friends anymore and the ones that are around all have their own lives to worry about- and I don’t hold them to that. I stopped believing in best friends awhile ago when I realized there is no such thing as best friends. I mean you can have close friends, but for me I have high standards for someone when I call them my best friend. I’ve been friends with some girls that just hurt me in so many ways you would think I was hurt by a guy. Jealousy and competition- all unnecessary situations I had to put up with. So after a few horrible experiences I pulled myself back and decided it would be best to maintain a close friendship with someone but, maintain distance.
My close friend Ms. Grant is one I hold dearly in my heart- I love this child to death and I take her as my younger sister. When I had no one to turn to I called her- and even though she was too far to come hang hug me, she reassured me that my life was going to move on. She is a rare person- and I love that about her. I know I can always call her to edit my writing pieces and talk to her forever about absolutely anything and nothing. lol.
Another close friend(s) of mine would be my childhood girls. Margaret and Henrietta, I love these two. I have known them for as long as I can remember, and albeit we grown apart and all gone our separate ways, I love when we all get together to just catch up. My twenty first b-day the both of them came all the way from Virginia to come celebrate with me. Thank you.
Lastly, my little sister- she is extremely annoying, but the little girl looks up to me with eager eyes- so, I am always pressured to set a good example for her. She is turning seventeen, so I constantly advise her to stay focused and leave the boys alone. When I have no one to talk to I can always count on her to lend her ears, and although many times she may not know what to say to her big sister, her eyes and her attitude show that she feels for me.
Now I know that I have strayed from my main topic, but to end this long post, I want to emphasis on the word change. Change is definitely inevitable and it will hit you one way or another. But, it’s how we handle the changes that really determine whether we are using it to our advantage to transform our lives or just simply sitting back to feel sorry for ourselves. As for me- I know that I am going to be something greater then anyone ever expected. It may not be next year or the next, but I will make a name for myself. I will succeed, find true love, happiness and live my life to the fullest. (I know I sound churchy, but hey-)
<3>
Now I know you all think I am really young, and probably thinking- this girl has seen nothing yet. But, to me, what I went through was bigger then big. I hate to admit this but I was in love. Trust me it wasn't puppy love. I never thought I could feel this way about someone other then my family. He was my best friend, my confidant, and the love of my 21 years of living. Its weird- If you know me personally- you know I don't talk like this. I use to be the girl that refused to open herself up to anyone. I use to hate expressing my emotions because I feared being vulnerable. And now look at me, I fell head over heals and landed flat on my face. "I should have known it was too good to be true" I say. Everything was almost too perfect- how could I have not seen it coming? I was ready to settle with a guy I had only know for a little over a year- How naive could I be. I was so stupid to compare our relationship with what my parents have- how dare I.
Now I know what you are thinking- This girl is crazy-but to be honest, I don't think I can look at another guy again. I mean, I don't get how someone can profess their love for another just to end it all over something that isn't justifiable.(situation is far too complex for me to go into detail online). Anyway back to change. I changed the way I used my free time, I changed my hair, my bed sheets(not trying to say I never changed that) I changed everything that reminded me of him music, food, everything. I love ice-skating in the winter, and since we broke up I can’t see myself skating again. (Not like I have anyone to go with) Moving on- change is something that can be either good or bad. While so many different things have sprung out from this breakup, most of the changes I have made are actually good. I spend my free time at Barnes and Noble, reading which I stopped doing. I began to write again. because I realized that my writing was not as good as it use to be, I began going to church more often and came to the ultimate realization. God is the only love of my life. Not any man, not my mom, dad, siblings, friends--No one will ever love me as much as God does, and when I realized this my heart caved with sadness. Why? Because all this time I was so focused on myself and my boyfriend and family and friends that I failed to acknowledge the power behind my life. When I think about all the times I didn’t get into an accident, or get hit by a bus or taxi, I realize that God has really protected me and blessed e with many things. Some people don’t even live to see their twenty-first b-days, and here I am living my life without God- but now that’s all changed. My parents are devout Christians and I now understand my mother when she says she can smell the Lords presence around her- how beautiful is that. Shoot, I want to smell Gods presence around me, how does it smell?
Okay, albeit I say that I am healing- the staggering process is rather annoying. I miss having company, getting all dressed up to impress him, putting makeup on even though he says I don’t need it, and waking up expecting a phone call. I miss it all. I don’t have many friends anymore and the ones that are around all have their own lives to worry about- and I don’t hold them to that. I stopped believing in best friends awhile ago when I realized there is no such thing as best friends. I mean you can have close friends, but for me I have high standards for someone when I call them my best friend. I’ve been friends with some girls that just hurt me in so many ways you would think I was hurt by a guy. Jealousy and competition- all unnecessary situations I had to put up with. So after a few horrible experiences I pulled myself back and decided it would be best to maintain a close friendship with someone but, maintain distance.
My close friend Ms. Grant is one I hold dearly in my heart- I love this child to death and I take her as my younger sister. When I had no one to turn to I called her- and even though she was too far to come hang hug me, she reassured me that my life was going to move on. She is a rare person- and I love that about her. I know I can always call her to edit my writing pieces and talk to her forever about absolutely anything and nothing. lol.
Another close friend(s) of mine would be my childhood girls. Margaret and Henrietta, I love these two. I have known them for as long as I can remember, and albeit we grown apart and all gone our separate ways, I love when we all get together to just catch up. My twenty first b-day the both of them came all the way from Virginia to come celebrate with me. Thank you.
Lastly, my little sister- she is extremely annoying, but the little girl looks up to me with eager eyes- so, I am always pressured to set a good example for her. She is turning seventeen, so I constantly advise her to stay focused and leave the boys alone. When I have no one to talk to I can always count on her to lend her ears, and although many times she may not know what to say to her big sister, her eyes and her attitude show that she feels for me.
Now I know that I have strayed from my main topic, but to end this long post, I want to emphasis on the word change. Change is definitely inevitable and it will hit you one way or another. But, it’s how we handle the changes that really determine whether we are using it to our advantage to transform our lives or just simply sitting back to feel sorry for ourselves. As for me- I know that I am going to be something greater then anyone ever expected. It may not be next year or the next, but I will make a name for myself. I will succeed, find true love, happiness and live my life to the fullest. (I know I sound churchy, but hey-)
<3>
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